fly mama

Thursday, February 02, 2006

M.I.A.-(my former self)

She is about 5' 7", fresh from the bottle red hair-cute, if I do say so myself. She is outspoken, carefree and artistic. Passionate and loyal, almost to a fault. I think the last time I saw her was about 5 years ago. She walked out the door and never came back, didn’t even say good-bye (bitch! Did I mention she was GREAT at being a bitch? I say that with the utmost respect).
I mourn her and wonder where she is today. Is she tired and cold? I should note that it’s not that I don’t like where I am today. I love my husband and my children very, very much. I swore before Peyton was born that I would not lose myself in mothering-I would fight it, a happy, healthy mom-will breed children of the same. Right? Maybe it was the pregnancy that scared her away-or the baby crying. I read books, searched the internet-I feared she would leave, that it would be too much for even her to handle. I could remain in the art scene and raise a child and create in my darkroom and do the shopping and the laundry and pay the bills and........who was I kidding? Her....I was kidding her, there was no way I could do it all. And so she left. I went from Dektol and chemical stained clothes to spit up and poop covered clothes. I longed for a shower, a nap and anything that would get the creative juices (not the apple juice) flowing again. After 4 years of her missing-Lucy was born, but with Lucy has come this change-an SOS maybe. Is she coming home? Is it the fear of having my daughter lose herself someday that has brought her back to me a little bit. With each passing day I sense she is closer and closer. The camera comes out of the bag more frequently, I am trying to be less passive and more aggressive. I still long for quiet time, sitting by myself or staring into my husbands beautiful blue eyes without someone chattering away or flinging something at me. I am starting to loosen up a little bit more, if the dishes don’t get done immediately it isn’t the end of the world. If the house is a little bit messy no one is going to judge me. If Peyton decides he wants a peanut butter cup as part of his dinner, he’s not going wind up a sugar freak, peanut butter cups are a GREAT source of protein, right? I am wearing my hair down more often and starting to realize that even if father time were on my side, there still wouldn’t be enough hours in the day to do it all.
So, if you happen to see her, please let her know I miss her terribly. Tell her I am lightening up a bit, things are a bit less chaotic (depending on the day of the week), and that not only do I need her, but Lucy does as well. Surely, she wouldn’t deprive Lucy. So that’s my APB! And for those of you that have a M.I.A. former self-send out an APB, call in the troops, let your hair down more and don’t stress the small stuff.


At 7:29 PM, Blogger Holly said...

Hi Melissa! Isn't it fun to have a place to pour it all out?! I'll bookmark you and keep checking back!


At 7:32 AM, Blogger Kris said...

Lovely post. I'm going to read it a few more times before I head off for my day with the kids. :)

At 11:43 PM, Blogger tipsEmoms said...

You said it! A wonderful post, Melissa.


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